anna

So here goes something completely random.

I don't consider myself a credulous person. Maybe slightly superstitious, but more out of habit than any real belief. I fear zombies and vindictive ghosts, but I don't actually believe in either. So why, then, do I find tarot readings fun? Why, worse yet, do I get something out of them? Same story with the I Ching (I actually have an iPhone app that does readings, which goes against the very sacred rituals of the thing -- you're supposed to use three special coins).

Rationally, I know they don't predict the future or any such nonsense. In spite of this, they are valuable. The effect they have on me is more on the irrational -- a part of my mind which is anxious about the outcome of something in my life, if such anxiety exists. All the rituals surrounding it (coins, the nicely lit room, the "expert" reader) are meant to bring out the credulity in you, the blind faith that is necessary for you to take it all in, sure. But I believe there is a real psychological impact from these readings, a placebo effect.

Here's how I think it works. Let's say you are anxious about something completely out of your control. You fear a possible outcome or several and you are just at an impasse. You have no idea how to proceed. Your mind, perhaps unbeknownst to you, has been working on this problem for some time. You might have had dreams about it, nightmares; you might have thought of it consciously, but more likely, it's been mulling over in your subconscious. Your brain likely has a hunch about how things will turn out, but even if not, it desperately looks for any sign, any input to help it figure this impossible problem out. It will even go so far as to interpret imagery as a forebear of news. Maybe it's a terrible stormy day, maybe everything has been going wrong -- even these irrelevant things will have a bearing on this problem you are having.

So let's say you have a tarot reading on said day. You are shown cards that you are usually instructed to pick out of the deck yourself -- some semblance of an intervention on behalf of your own future. The pictures on the cards are pretty epic and are meant to evoke a reaction of some sort, even when they're just number cards. Given an appropriate level of anxiety over the problem you're having and your general faith in such things, your mind will perhaps start interpreting the cards in a way that suits the meaning they may have for your situation. The person officiating the tarot is irrelevant here. The best ones merely tell you the meaning of the cards (and combinations thereof) and how they could be taken, but nothing more specific than that.

My theory is that the mind swallows these up -- you're giving it clues to the problem, whether you know it or not. If not clues, they're taken as requests for answers. Your brain has already come to certain conclusions or outcomes subconsciously and it is likely that some of them are painful for you to fully grasp. This, then, gives your conscious mind a chance to see that these are possible, to come to terms with them. Maybe it's the first time facing the possibility of failure that could potentially come to pass. That experience may actually ready you for the final blow if and when it does come.

The I Ching goes a step further -- the readings will actually make up an obstacle or problem that is very vague and applicable to a billion circumstances. They will then tell you things in the approximate manner of "so here's what you do: be strong, avoid conflict, stay on guard!!" though considerably more cryptic than that. In addition to admitting to you that there is a problem (there are always problems, after all! why else are you I Chinging), it will also give your mind direction. If you avoid conflict for a few days or try to meet with friends, or give gifts or whatever vague, positive thing it recommends, you'll be fine no matter what this thing that is bothering you is gonna do -- and hell, maybe you'll avoid the bad outcome altogether. And if you didn't, well, you must not have tried hard enough at this vague piece of advice. It does serve to calm the anxiety, I have to say.

I think these things have an important psychological effect to calm you and direct your mind towards something constructive. The only catch is you have to have some semblance of faith in these things for the placebo effect to do its thing. The only time it works for me is in sheer desperation. If my mind just won't stop spinning about some stupid problem, only then will I be able to temporarily suspend my disbelief long enough to try these out. It really does work on occasion. I wouldn't have that dumb app survive my regular app layoffs otherwise.

My weekend was really low key. My parents planned all this crap so I didn't get to see any of my friends, but it was fun hanging out with them. The highlight was walking around Princeton with my Dad and then seeing Star Trek again.

I couldn't smoke the whole weekend but my awesome aunt let me have one of hers and promised she wouldn't tell my parents. Insisted that they should not find out, in fact (agreed). I just bought some as soon as I returned and smoked one, but I feel super sick as a result. Maybe I'm just out of practice, but damn. Feel so terrible. Not shocking, since smoking is a mistake.

The flight was awful. I had a middle seat and was sitting next to the most socially awkward foreigner. He was unintentionally rude to me and others in about 10 different ways before the plane even took off, and then I was stuck next to his impolite ass and elbows the rest of the way. The flight itself sucked. The plane was overbooked and left at least 40 minutes late. I must remember to buy water next time, for I wanted water more than I've ever wanted anything in my life about 5 times on the plane. Then at one point I thought I couldn't breathe. In a fit of hypochondria brought on by this, I briefly considered the idea that my lungs may be collapsing. (They were not).

In general, it was super miserable. A baby was crying the whole time and towards the end, I actually empathized with it with all my heart. "I know just how you feel, crying baby!!" It's not like me to hate travel.

I had all these big plans about what I would do when getting home but now I just wanna sleep. Wish I didn't have that cigarette.

Intro

There is a nootropic (smart drug) I've been interested in for a long time. Generically named Modafinil (Provigil), it is prescribed for narcolepsy, though even the US military has noticed how awesome it is for non-narcoleptics, allowing you to stay awake for days without any apparent negative side effects. There are some pretty great positive side effects, though.

Its illicit uses in colleges by professors and by students cramming for tests have come under fire for giving smart drug junkies an unfair advantage -- it makes you focus better and raises your IQ. Honestly, that is the kind of bad publicity that pharmaceutical companies would give their proverbial left arms for. Needless to say, the prices for nootropics on the internet have skyrocketed in response.

When I was depressed and sleepy all the time, I tried to get a prescription for Modafinil and couldn't! My doctor, instead, prescribed me the antidepressant Lexapro which made me awake all the time. Not super helpful. Two weeks later, I switched to Celexa, which was very welcome, but not without its downsides, because I didn't get the memo that I was switching to Celexa until a week into it! It is a much stronger drug and you have to slowly ramp up to the full dose. I hella ODed on it for about a week. This included flu-like symptoms and blind spots in my visual field, raging headaches, but also moments of pretty pleasant ecstasy. Eventually, I adjusted and it's all peachy now. (That I'm still taking Celexa is relevant to my story).

I read this journalist's blog about Modafinil a month ago and my interest came rushing back to me. In particular, this passage right here got me hook line and sinker:

Then she warned me: “There is one known side-effect.” Oh, damn I thought. A downside. “It often causes people to lose weight.” Are you mad? You become cleverer and thinner? I whipped out my Visa card immediately.

Jesus, I couldn't get to my wallet fast enough.

Visa in hand, I found it cheapest for 118$ at iwantmeds.com -- "no prescription required", if you get my meaning. The site gave me hella shady vibes. They had me sign like 10 forms assuring them that I have no intention of backing out of my order. The transaction went through a bank in United Arab Emirates, which to me says "we would like to remind you that what you are doing is permissible only in cultures with controversial, non-Western ideas and also you will never see your money again."

My customer confidence was further compromised when I received an email confirming my order with a link to the site, *which was down*. About 4 days later, my hope once again restored because the site went back up, I received another email from them, informing me that they've sent the package. "They exist after all and they intend to send me my package :D!!" So stoked, I was. Until I got to this line:

If you would like to track your package, please click here: http://NONE

NONE in all caps like that. I don't know why they didn't just write "http://SIKE!". Why are they keeping me in existential suspense like that? "Hey, maybe we are legit and will send you shit... OR MAYBE NOT?" Gees, I know what I'm doing is irresponsible in 10 different ways, but do you have to remind me like that? If I'm gonna pay that much money for 30 pills, I want a site that makes me feel comfortable making bad decisions. To their credit, the package did indeed arrive yesterday :D! And after lunch, I took a single, 200mg Modafinil.


Day 1
[more in a bit]

Probably out of boredom, I just went through google images and added a bunch to previous entries.

What the f is this thing.


Clearly, the evil cheburator. But why??

Observe the original. Granted, he looks a little beat up because he just fell from a toy helicopter and I can't find a better picture:

Check out this awesome toy:

That I have:

Ok I am done. :D!

UPDATE: Lame, that picture won't display. I don't have any webspace anywhere, so it looks like I can't put it up. If you're curious, go here to see it. I hate you Yahoo.

I've been watching this show called Freaks and Geeks. I highly recommend it, it's totally great. Hilarious and sadly accurate. I'm not sure what to say about it to make it sound appealing for those who haven't seen or heard of it. I remember seeing ads for it on the train on my way to NYC all the time, so I can relate to not wanting to see the show. But man, I tell you, it's enjoyable.

It stars James Franco (better known as Green Goblin's son in Spiderman), who is a completely different person (read: so fucking hot) in Freaks and Geeks, and is written by Jack Black's roomie in School of Rock, Mike White. (He makes a cameo as someone's braindamaged brother :D!).

It's the first show I've seen since the Office where I genuinely care about the characters. It's also very relatable to. I believe it's rentable. The DVD boxset came out recently and I just broke down and ordered it.

Awesome? link: Headphones are instrumental for this!!

In case you didn't see my comments on the Bullshit entry, I wanted to add that the episodes on Creationism, Apocalypse, Feng Shui/water are totally worth watching. They're truly amazing and entertaining. ESP and talking to the dead are pretty good too. I'm not writing the show off completely, I guess. And, it was just first season. :D

So I was back from work at an almost reasonable hour tonight - 8.30pm, but tired as fuck. Also, there was no way I could do laundry. At the moment, I've already gone through all my scrub [usual] clothes, through my lovely dressy clothes, and now reaching a new low by wearing fashion that I haven't touched in years and only brought to San Francisco out of pity. Tomorrow night is no good for laundry of course, because it's a soft build night and we are there till midnight -- mandatory. It will have to be Saturday, I guess :(

And that is my sad little life, thanks to game development. I linked to the IGDA site before, but I just realized that you need a membership to get that quality of life in the game industry paper. I have a copy though, so I uploaded it to webspace. You can find it here.

Notable quote (I've highlighted what I think is accurate of my company:

Long Hours Game developers spend a lot of time at work, sometimes by choice, sometimes because it's the only way to ship the game on time and avoid a disaster, sometimes because it's company policy. Most of the time, it is due to outside pressures: Only 11% of respondents said their companies would release a game only when it was ready, versus 47% who are under significant pressure to release at a certain date (usually Christmas) and another 38% who just can’t afford not to. Almost three developers out of five report working 46 hours or more in a typical week (38.1% say 46-55 hours, 19.7% say over 55). Most of them (58.8%) say their colleagues work about the same number of hours as they do. Crunch time is omnipresent, whether before every milestone (57.2%), during beta (20.7%) or on at least a monthly basis (16.7%). Only 2.4% of respondents report that their company never has any crunch at all. Crunches of all durations were reported, with the most frequent being 1-2 weeks (29%) and 2-4 weeks (23%). Over 18% of respondents reported having experienced crunches of two months or more. During crunch, respondents work 65 to 80 hours a week (35.2%), with 55-65 hours also being frequent (30.4%). The average crunch work week exceeds 80 hours in 13% of responses. When asked to describe their company’s policy regarding crunch, a whopping 51.7% of respondents said“Management sees crunch as a normal part of doing business in the game industry,” ahead of“Management sees crunch as a necessary evil and tries to minimize its impact”(38.9%). Only 2.3% of respondents said their companies actively implemented no-crunch policies, like the 40-hour work week. Overtime is often uncompensated (46.8%), with the most common form of compensation being time off at the end of the project (19.4% give partial compensation, 3.2% count all hours), ahead of royalties and profit sharing (12.5%). Only 4.3% of respondents say their companies pay overtime in cash.

This is not even to mention how unstable everything is, always. If you work at a small company like I do, your entire livelihood rests on getting a publisher contract. If you lose the contract, the company is instantly in jeopardy. Crunch hours tend to exponentially increase with a fickle publisher -- you're at their mercy after all. If, on the other hand, you're a 1st party developer or a publisher, your company is likely huge, and follows the cold and heartless corporate practices of just laying off hundreds of people all at once, as soon as a project runs its course or is cancelled -- "for business reasons." On the other hand, the process is run much more humanely at established development studios (unless you're EA) and they cut their projects a little more slack, since you're in the family, so to speak. The majority of developers leave the industry within 10 years, a large percentage in 5 years.

I wish more people knew what it was like. Game journalism for print is where it is at, if you ask me. You finish your article, edit it a bit and it's done! It will never break. You are given credit for your work (byline) and as soon as it is printed, others can instantly enjoy your finished product.

If you write an awesome NPC or enemy, it will always break in at least 10 different ways that you hadn't thought of. It will likely be rewritten 3289084290 times and retrofitted when it breaks again, months later, because some global code has changed. Sure, you are given credit at the end of the game when your name quickly, unmemorably scrolls by and the player cancels out of the screen, but you are not given credit for that one specific thing that you had done. By that time, so many others will have touched the code -- will it still be your credit to claim?

Yes, the final product will be rewarding (or disappointing if the game really sucks), but the final product is just an abstract concept until the game is done. During development, everything is broken always and very unpolished and sometimes really unfun. It's a bummer of a job. The primary reason I'm still sticking around is that I work with such awesome people. I couldn't just leave on them. And where would I find others like them? Also, the game is kinda rad.

I just got home from work, which is the pits.

However!! I found out I am playing a show with the Husbands next week, July 2nd at Slim's.

I don't know how this is possible, but most Husbands shows fall directly on a build night at work, and this one is no exception. What this means, of course, is that I'm going back to work after the show. So to anyone planning to attend, I won't be able to hang out.. :(

I'm feeling a little destroyed from work, so I leave you with a very old link: Roy Orbison in Clingfilm.

Looking at some blogs of my excellent friends, I am realizing that my blog looks like ass. Agency.com must be rolling over in its grave. (Crazytime, it still exists :O!! They closed our office a while back, you see). Oh well.

At the moment, I am in a pretty good mood because I just got back from fun times with Ray. We went to see Napoleon Dynamite, which I wouldn't really recommend, but it had its moments. I really tried to give it a chance. It is hard to make a good comedy.

Before that, I was at work. :p (Don't work in game development, kids!). I'm doing something vaguely interesting, but my task list for Monday-Tuesday has me bid for 60 hours. There's not a chance. :'O

Before work, I watched some Oniisama e (Ikeda Ryoko). In case you are unfamiliar with the show, it is incredibly classy shoujo anime, where a triple (often quadruple) take, and all the drama that comes with it, happen every 20 seconds, everyone is rich, and everyone is a lesbian :D!! The anime was made in the early 90s, based on manga drawn in the 70s. Consequently, the character designs, animation, and direction are very unique and rather beautiful. It was aired late at night on NHK (Japan), targeting older, upper-class womens. (The protagonist lives in a mansion. Her "mama" always wears a kimono and so on).

The show is rather dark and intense. There are a few scenes that feature such cruelty as is unparalleled by anything else I've watched. Themes of suicide, doomed love, drug addiction, loneliness, and madness are jam-packed into every episode. It's actually hard to get into because the characters and situations are initially so off-putting. Once you do get into it, it becomes hard to watch for other reasons. I heavily associate heartbreak with this series. Not only because it is the central theme of the show, but also because I tend to run across it at exactly those times in my life when I am most heartbroken.

I find that Oniisama e really caters to that mood. (My good friend Kit, who watched it with me recently, has said that if you squeeze those fansubs I have, evil will pour out generously). The naive main character is likened to a doll by the one she loves (as well as the heavy imagery -- thanks Ikeda!), and feels completely helpless at shaking this terrible, unflattering image -- particularly because it is so applicable. There is a goddess of a character whose chemical makeup is pure evil. She openly tortures and rejects the one who completely worships her, seemingly just to torment them. In general, everyone seems to be in love with someone who either torments them to the point of suicide, doesn't really give them the time of day, or in some rare cases, just humors them out of decency. Most curiously, Oniisama e really makes no effort to ease you into any of this melodrama, so a recent traumatic experience is helpful in getting into the show. :D!

Alright, I best go to sleep.

up for grabz:
http://f1.pg.briefcase.yahoo.com/bc/akipnis@sbcglobal.net/lst?.dir=/beachboyscover&.view=l

it turned out well, though someone at work offered to remix it, which suggests a certain degree of sucking in how i put it together.

they're going to be very disappointed when they hear what my vocals sound like by themselves >:|!! especially with the audible firetruck sirens in the background.

i'm going to las vegas for the first time ever on saturday. to hang out with my parents, mostly, in addition to losing a lot of money.

in other news, corey emailed me out of nowhere to say that he's playing a show here tomorrow near my apartment, which is rad. i havent seen him in years.

oh man i never thought i'd actually start a blog. traditionally, people go to great lengths to keep their diaries out of the prying eyes of others, while secretly hoping that some day, well past their lifetimes, their diaries would be discovered by a prominent anthropologist, carefully studied, and published in 17 languages around the globe. it seems like blogs cut the middle man in this scheme. but whatever. too late now.

what is very exciting is that i figured out how to make nintendo music that runs on an actual nintendo. japanese fanboys have been doing it for years, but there is very limited translated material available for instruction. here is a sample of that translated material:

- File : auto open and watch
It is a setup of whether for sauce to be opened automatically and to be -
in a surveillance state at the time of MML reading.
If the check is attached, sauce is opened and it will be in a surveillance state.

sauce=source? anyway, i got it to work. i'm working on covering a song right now that i may post later.